Where Am I Going?!?

The wedding is coming. Fast.

My brain is mush, I'm incredibly jumpy and, I'm sure, difficult to be around. Charming...
I've never felt this much pressure before so I'm in unfamiliar water. I feel kind of all over the place though. Quite literally, ANY sharp, loud or unexpected noise turns me into a cartoon cat gripping the ceiling. I've begun shrieking and yelping even. It's kind of embarrassing.

I feel like I'm going in circles, like I'm not going anywhere, like I'm lost. I'm always the one holding the road signs for others; sometimes I long for someone else to give me a direction.

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland; Lewis Carroll

1. Hiking - alone or with my family; with the wedding planning, I've not gotten to connect with nature in any way for months (plus the mild winter kind of ruined any chance of that fantastic winter hiking that I love so much). My favorite woods are only 30 minutes away but with kids and money concerns, it's a choice that I don't always have. I could use some new hikers, too. Mine are about 5 years old now and are literally falling apart (the insides, not the out). I thought the new sneakers I bought would be an alternative but they hurt my feet (don't support in the right places) when I wear them for a few hours.


2. Nature Journaling - while I love to do this with the family, it's difficult to do with all as not everyone gets into it, I'd rather go with the people who actually enjoy this process. Spring is THE BEST TIME to do this with all the wild flowers popping up but the season is flying by!!! I've already lost the Hawthorn and  Magnolia Tree flowers and the Crabapple Tree is losing it's flowers quickly, too! You know, even though I love to focus on Spring plants, perhaps it will be nice to explore more of the Summer plants this year even if they're not as colorful. Thought: I must purchase some more green Prismacolors!

Even with two degrees in art, I'm an awful drawer, drawing nature gives me an opportunity to enjoy my world, practice drawing what I see and explore mixing colors with colored pencils. I'm getting better with each drawing and sometimes I impress myself with what I am accomplishing; I'm still not where I'd like to be. Perhaps if I practice more, I can find the level I'm looking for!


3. Horse Back Riding - not with the group, alone or with one of two people. When I was a kid, I wanted to run the horses but I no longer have that desire, I really enjoy connecting with the horse and nature and my company. Perhaps an afternoon / evening of wandering the farm with the dog and a bareback pad...

Sometimes, when no one is at the farm (which isn't as often as it used to be), I like to sit on the fence and watch the horses. Some of them come up to me to nuzzle and some just roll or play like usual. There is a calmness with their trust that being kept in the corral, they are safe and someone will come let them in and feed them, give them a place to sleep - you know, basic needs. They remind me of dogs. It's no wonder, then, why I love them both so much.


4. Gardening - it's not something that I can do easily right now as it's early in the season for the summer / fall crops and I'm being allowed to use a plot which is on someone else property, so my time in there is limited (plus I'm still a novice, but I DO know what weeds look like!!!)

More importantly, I like to play in the dirt, who cares if I'm planting something! Dig around to see what's in your soil and be grateful for what you find - those little buggies are what makes it all work!


5. Reading - HAHA!!! I love to read, I truly enjoy "going there" with the author but I need silence to read (it's not something that comes easily for me) and few to no interruptions. This never happens. NEVER. I should find a way to make this happen more often. Perhaps this is why I read cookbooks - it's easy to start and stop. I have a list of books I'd like to read...


6. Bike Riding - I haven't been able to do this since I lived in Texas. I left my bike there because it was in such poor condition. There is a bike I can borrow but I'm super-nervous about damaging it (because if I can't afford to repair or replace it, I feel like I shouldn't use it and if I could replace it, I'd have one of my own - it's a conundrum how to solve this).


7. Weaving - I haven't been on a loom to create something since I graduated from my first graduate school excursion in 2002. It is an incredibly calming and creative outlet for me. I love the colors, the textures that are created and the process of creating. Sometimes, I sit in the attic and go through my bins of yarn and think about what I could do with it.



For me though, weaving is something that calms me and makes me feel like I'm a part of something old and beautiful. I feel like I'm a little closer to both my ancestors and Mother Earth. I can't explain that, I just do... My loom is in the basement. It's been there for years and it can't come out until there is somewhere to put it - in this house, there isn't. I keep looking for a table loom to purchase something that is substantial, not one of those piddly ones you learn on. I'll be honest with you, I want a big table loom - an 8 harness, 25 inch baby! Id' be happy with a 4 harness loom, too but if you're gonna dream then dream big! Someday...


8. Writing Poetry - my mind has always moved pretty fast but these days, it seems, that my brain is filled with more to-do lists and schedules than flowing words together. I'm not sure this is something that I can do by just sitting there with a pen and paper, it may take several days of peace and quiet to allow my mind to settle enough where my thoughts may come up. Perhaps this shouldn't be on the list but it brought me joy and serenity at one point in my life.

9. Photography - when my camera broke the morning I moved to Texas, I took it as a sign not to go, my Dad told me I was being silly and to get in the truck. He was right but, just like with the weaving, I still take out my equipment and hold it - I like the way it feels in my hands. I like capturing moments in my life, things that pique my interest and things that move me or that I think are beautiful. It's my way of holding onto my memories. I have always loved looking back at photos, making photo albums and each year, I make photo books through My Publisher, for the family (one for each of the kids and one for Bill and I). They love them, I love them.

I bought a camera (point and shoot, but I'm an firm believer that it's the photographer and not the camera that makes a great photographer) when I lived in Rockford and it was kicking butt and keeping me and the family happy until last summer when it died... Now, I use my phone (I picked out the EVO because of it's 8 megapixel lens) but the reality is that it is a phone first. I can still get some good shots but sometimes, by the time I fix all the "stuff" to get the shot, the subject has changed - it is not a very user-friendly piece.


10. Cleaning - believe it or not, I really enjoy cleaning. I don't always have time to clean things the way I want so when I do get the opportunity it feels great. The problem now is that as soon as I straighten something up or clean it, someone comes in and destroys it...and doesn't fix it when they're done. It kind of ruins the enjoyment for me because it's not just the process that I like (although things like washing dishes is relaxing to me) it being able to look around and enjoy the lack of clutter, light coming through the windows...a clean sink and counter-top.

11. Cooking - I thought for a minute before I added this one. I love to cook and I love food. When you're cooking for 6 people, you need a lot of food so sometimes I'm timid about trying a new recipe or writing a new recipe because if it doesn't turn out, that's a lot of money wasted. While I don't enjoy cooking every night, there are times (no time constraints, no ingredient concerns, etc.) that I truly relish my time in the kitchen. Oddly enough, those times most often come now at 11p or midnight because everyone else is asleep.

I've read and re-read this list multiple times now. I'm not feeling very relaxed thinking about all of this because what it's helped me to realize is how much my life has changed in 4 years. Four years ago, I had a full time job, I was single, I lived alone, I had my own bills and covered them with the money I made, I had a lot of free time to do what I wanted to do (even though I didn't always do those things). Today, I am a stay-at-home mom, I am getting married in two weeks, I live with my instant family from Bill (which I love) - of a 16 year old, a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a 4 year old - I rely on the paycheck from another person's work / job to pay the bills (which doesn't go as far as it used to) and I have little to no free time (as family time trumps most time that is free from other plans).

I'm not complaining (I hope it doesn't sound that way) - I choose to live this life and I love my family. I'd be lost without them now. What's hard to swallow is that all the things I used to love or do for myself, I really can't do anymore. Things have broken or died due to time and use (bicycle, camera, hiking shoes) and my priorities have shifted. If I've got free time from my duties at home (of job searching / wedding planning), most of the time, one or more of the kids has something they need to do (laundry, project, homework, cleaning their room, daily or weekend chores, etc.) so I have to decide if we put it off so they can complete the task or tasks OR if we just go (with or without the child). We've done both and I don't really enjoy the outcomes. If we leave the child, we feel guilty about them missing out on the event (even if they're missing it because of their poor planning / choices) and if we bring everyone, the house is a mess still or they stay up late to work on the homework or an argument ensues because they choose to use their time poorly when we got home. It's frustrating and Bill and I struggle to find the right solution to each situation.

So where does this leave me? Where am I now that I know that many of the things that brought me joy, which I miss terribly, are out of my reach because of the new life that I love? How do I mesh the two together? How do I find a way to make it right by everyone and still be giving myself the freedoms that I want, need and deserve to explore who I am to ME?

Being a mom is a lot of work. I knew that getting into this but what's difficult sometimes is that I don't have the growing time that birth mothers get. I don't get to loose myself over time or make my mistakes while they don't' remember. Bill and I don't have the time to work out the kinks of a relationship as we struggle with learning who we are together (and why each of us have those weird idiosyncratic habits) and who we are going to be as individuals in this relationship. There are a lot of things that others may have that I don't.

I do have lots of good things, too. I have 4 beautiful children who love and respect me while my name is not  "Mom", we all know that I am one (even though I feel a bit like a fraud sometimes). I have a small home that is filled with love - we are on top of each other all the time with little space or privacy but we are learning to be a family together. We can't avoid an issue or pretend that it's not there because there isn't anywhere to hide it - I think there is something truly special about that. We enjoy spending time together (playing games, hiking, crafts, etc.) and while not everyone is into all that we do or try, we do or try it together. I have a relationship with Bill's mother and father and Bill with mine - we all genuinely like one another. I have my best friend with me all the time and my relationships with the kids (friend and deeper) are growing all the time.

Picture I took of my family...before they were mine.

I may not have everything I used to have but I have so much more now, more than I thought I'd earned in my lifetime. I feel blessed by these gifts. I guess now, I either need to tweak my hobbies / things that bring me joy to make them work with my new life or I have to let them go and just remember them as a wonderful part of my life.

I'm not sure which road to go down (or where in heaven's name I'm trying to end up) but I believe, no matter what, I won't be going down it alone...